Fixing our child or healing ourselves?

Some of the parents I coach seek my help to fix something about their children. This could include how to make their children listen to them, how to ensure they achieve a certain degree, and many other concerns. The question is, what is broken that needs fixing? What makes you think your child needs to be fixed? Does wanting to fix your child mean you are trying to fix something broken within yourself?

During our second or third parent coaching session, parents often realize they need to heal themselves before addressing issues with their children. Most of the time, it's not about fixing the child but healing from childhood trauma or a lack of attachment. Many people carry emotional wounds, unmet emotional needs, and attachment issues.

Image by Iqbal at Pixabay.

Emotional needs are crucial for our psychological health and overall happiness. These needs help us feel content, secure, and connected to others. Some key emotional needs include:

• Feeling loved and valued by others.

• Feeling safe and free from harm or threat.

• Being acknowledged and valued for who we are and what we do.

• Having the freedom to make our own choices and decisions.

• Being treated with dignity and consideration.

• Feeling that others understand and empathize with our feelings and experiences.

• Engaging in enjoyable and recreational activities.

Meeting these emotional needs is essential for maintaining good mental health, fostering positive relationships, and achieving overall happiness.

Attachment needs are specific emotional needs that focus on forming and maintaining secure, stable, and nurturing relationships, particularly during early development. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry, has divided human attachment into four categories:

• Being seen: The need for caregivers to be emotionally present and responsive.

• Being safe: The need to be protected from harm and to feel no fear towards our parents.

• Being soothed: The need for comfort and reassurance from attachment figures in times of stress or danger.

• Being secure: The need for attachment figures to provide a dependable foundation, enabling exploration and learning. Having all these three needs met means that the child has a secure base.

If a parent has lacked emotional and attachment needs, it might show in their relationship with their children or other people. This doesn't mean that everyone who lacks these has an insecure relationship with their children. A study conducted in Princeton University showed that 40% of children followed over 10 years lacked secure attachment. This doesn't mean they have mental health problems or cannot have secure relationships with their children or others. Having a supportive environment and making sense of your life can fill that gap.

Most parents who are focused on fixing their child need to heal themselves first.

So, how can one heal themselves? This is not something that can be fixed quickly. What is required is:

1. Self-knowledge – Reflect on questions like: What was it like growing up in your family? Who was in your family? How many people could give you comfort when you needed it? What were your parents’ philosophies about raising children?

2. Making sense of your life – Be open about how these experiences might have impacted your internal experiences, but without judgment.

3. Acceptance and letting go – None of us can go back to our childhood and fix it. Accepting it and working with it can be liberating.

You might need to seek professional help, and I would encourage you to do so. We cannot always do this on our own.

The notion of fixing your child can mean that you want to fix something in yourself. When you have healed yourself, you can repair the relationship between you and your child, and it is never too late, regardless of your child's age. Fixing the relationship with your child can give you the key to solving all the problems you want to address.