Euphoria - The feeling of returning home after 31 years

I still remember the feeling I had when I fled from my city of birth, Mogadishu. I was so desperate to leave at every cost. Me, my little brother and uncle tried each day to go to Bakara market to take the convoy leaving Mogadishu for the border of Ethiopia and Kenya. Each time we were supposed to travel, the convoy was either not full, or we received news that the road was not safe. When it was the last day to leave Mogadishu, they cancelled the travel at the last minute because there was something wrong with the car. When we were asked to return to our homes, I refused and said I would wait here until tomorrow. So, when I was leaving Mogadishu, I didn't want to look back or return. So desperate to leave the chaos and killings.

I am now on a plane from Hargeisa to Mogadishu. I have been coming to Hargeisa each year for the last 13 years, but I never thought of just visiting Mogadishu. Many friends in Hargeisa asked me if I had visited Mogadishu or wanted to visit, and I had one short answer: NO. I can't explain why I was reluctant to visit, but now I have landed and have a big smile. I am reminded of the smell and the sound; it is very familiar. A relative was waiting for me, and we headed from the airport to my aunt's house in Madina. The roads are different than when I left. I see so much has developed after the war. I am not comparing what I see now with how it was before the war.

I was so surprised that I recognized the roads, places, my aunt's house, and even our house in Bakara. Several scholars stated that 'feeling at home' means familiarity with the place and space. Although other scholars mean this way of seeing home is 'fixed'. I think a 'home' doesn't have to be one place. I also feel at home in the small city in Sweden where I live. You can feel belonging to several places and spaces, but at the same time, there is attachment or a bond to one place, and this place for me is Mogadishu because I haven't experienced the feelings I have now. My brain got warm and fuzzy, and suddenly, I felt 17 years old again.

Greeting my aunt and cousins was emotional; I burst out crying. I missed them, and I missed Mogadishu. Was this emotion homesickness? I was also crying about why I had waited for so long to return to my city of birth.

What has chiefly evoked my memories and given me this intense feeling and love was when I visited Jaziira, the family's summer house, where we spent all of our holidays. It was a feeling of coming home, and my soul had been reunited, something I thought was lost.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian psychologist, talks about attachment roots. Although attachment describes the emotional bond between a parent and child, I think this bond even exists between humans and places, and I have this bond with Jaziira. Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes six roots of attachment: senses, belonging & loyalty, love, being known, significance, and sameness. Here in Jaziira, I was touched by the air, the ocean's sight, the waves, and the smell that comes from the ocean, and everything around me. I was sitting at the beach each sunrise and sunset, and all the good memories were playing in front of me like a film. I felt belonging and being loved. Returning home meant finding your lover again, so-called rekindled love. My stress, anxiety, and burnout symptoms were gone. Was this the recovery I needed? Was it the sense of connection to a special place that I needed?

I am currently at the airport, preparing to return to my family and my second home of the past 31 years, Sweden. As I stand here, I find it difficult to tear my gaze away from Mogadishu; I am reluctant to turn my back on the place that evoked so many memories. Already, a sense of longing has settled within me, and I anticipate the day when I can return once again.

Mogadishu 27th of December 2023

Sources:

Duyvendak, J. (2011). The politics of home: Belonging and nostalgia in Europe and the United States. Springer.

Neufeld, G. Attachment roots. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8qt1rv7K9Q&ab_channel=neufeldmedia