Breaking the trauma cycle - Healing ourselves and our children

As parents, we want the best for our children. We work hard to provide them with love, security, and opportunities we may not have had. But sometimes, without realizing it, our past experiences—especially childhood trauma—can shape the way we parent in ways that may not always be healthy. Several studies have shown that childhood trauma can impact the way we parent, leading to behaviors such as parental overprotection, emotional distance, and avoidance of discussing past trauma (Afzal et al. 2022; Weistra et al. 2024).

The trauma that I am referring here is not about major events such as war trauma, sexual abuse or other abuse. Trauma can also stem from emotional neglect, harsh discipline, lack of affection, or growing up in a home where feelings weren’t validated. If we don’t take the time to heal from these wounds, we may unknowingly pass them down to our children, so called generational trauma. 

How does past trauma shape our parenting?

Have you ever felt an intense reaction to your child’s behavior—one that seemed bigger than the situation called for? Maybe their whining, crying, or defiance makes you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or even powerless. This is called emotional triggers and overreactions and can come from your past. If you were shamed or punished for expressing emotions as a child, your child’s emotions might make you uncomfortable, leading you to shut them down rather than help them process their feelings. 

If you grew up in an unpredictable or unsafe environment, you may find yourself parenting from a place of fear. This can look like overprotection, needing to control every aspect of your child’s life, or struggling to let them make mistakes. If you have heard about helicopter parenting, it is about controlling or fearing something might happen to them when you are not with them. While the intention is to keep them safe, excessive control can hinder their ability to build confidence and independence. 

Some parents find it difficult to express love, praise, or physical affection because they didn’t receive it growing up. They have difficult showing affection and have emotional distance towards their children and also their spouse. If warmth and validation weren’t modeled for you, it can feel unnatural—even though deep down, you love your child immensely. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward changing it. Without awareness, we often default to the parenting style we experienced as children.

If we were raised with harsh discipline, we may repeat the cycle of yelling or using fear-based parenting. On the other hand, if we lacked structure, we might struggle to set firm boundaries for our kids. Healing allows us to parent with intention rather than simply reacting based on our past. 

How do we break the cycle and heal ourselves and our children?

The good news is that we don’t have to let our past define our parenting. Healing is possible, and when we do the inner work, we not only improve our own well-being but also create a healthier emotional environment for our children. 

Step 1: Practice self-awareness

By reading this article until now means that you have already made one big step, which is that you have a self-awareness or you have reflected something needs to be done.step 1 for breaking the trauma is to practice self-awareness. This means that you pay attention to your emotional triggers. When you feel yourself reacting strongly, ask, “Is this about my child’s behavior, or is this about something deeper in me?” Journaling or talking with a therapist or a coach can help you to reflect and move forward.  

Step 2: Reparent yourself

Remember most parents want their children well, but they might also carry some burden and trauma. So you need to get for yourself what they couldn’t give you. Give yourself the love, validation, and care that you may not have received as a child. Speak to yourself with kindness, allow yourself to feel emotions without shame, and set healthy boundaries in your own life. 

Step 3: Learn to regulate your emotionsChildren learn emotional regulation by watching us. When you feel overwhelmed, take a deep breath, pause, and respond rather than react. Modeling calmness teaches them how to handle big emotions in a healthy way. 

Step 4: Create a different environment for your child 

Break the cycle by providing what you may have lacked—consistent love, open communication, and emotional safety. Let your child express their feelings, make mistakes, and know that they are deeply loved, no matter what. 

Step 5: Rewrite the story 

Parenting is an opportunity to rewrite the story. You may have inherited pain, but you don’t have to pass it on. By choosing to heal, you give your child the gift of a healthier, more conscious parent—and you create a new legacy of love, security, and emotional well-being. Breaking cycles isn’t easy, but it’s one of the most powerful things you can do—for yourself, for your child, and for future generations. 

Find a professional who can help you, such as a parent coach who focuses on what works and builds on those strengths. Alternatively, you might need a therapist who addresses past experiences and helps you find ways to heal.

Are there patterns from your past that you recognize in your parenting? What steps can you take today to begin healing?